Yanlış mı yaptım?

Konferans, sunum gibi birşey var. Salon kalabalık değil, boşluklar var koltuklarda. Adam orada geveliyor ve dinleyen de yok. Ben de dalmışım uzaklara. Adama bakıyorum ama görmüyorum. O an o kadar sessiz ki ortam. Sonra bir el dokunuyor omzuma. Yüzünde anlamlı bir gülümseme. "Çok yanlış yaptım diyorsun di mi?" diyor bana. O zaman anlamını yüklüyorum gülümsemenin. Her şey yerli yerine oturuyor. Yavaştan gözlerim doluyor. Ona göre pişmanlığın işareti gözyaşları benim içinse gururun. Gördüklerime rağmen-ki o karar hepsine engel olabilirdi, hiç keşke yapmasaydım demedim. Hatta uyaran da oldu. Bence o uyarı ters etki etti. Benim kararımın en büyük sebebiydi.

What Makes Legends Legend

He is not aware of his life long desperate. He settles for the little happiness for years. This is little happiness for him. He has just faced with it. A new SNES game lies in front of him. It was not a surprise and he rapidly opens its box and launched the game. It is absolute excitement and bliss; at least he thinks like that.

It was a NBA Live 97. One of the games developed by Electronic Arts. I did not know about gameplay, atmosphere or sound in that day. However this game entertain us very much. I remember TV channel just broadcast the play-off finals (there is all season today) and we try to follow this organisation. We watch the match at silly time, later we resuscitate it with the game. At that time Chicago Bulls and Utah Jazz were in the finals. My friend supported Jazz and I chose Bulls. Jordan’s poster was on the precious part of my wall. Every action and excitement flows in our veins like a blood. It just becomes a life style for us. We try to do the moves that we see in the game in actual life. Years passed rapidly and unbeknown and this left as a nice memory.

Today we have various opportunities and selections for playing game. Different consoles, computers and other systems just stand for our service. They have newest and unbelievable technologies and all these try to make feel the reality. We are in a condition that we pay money to get closer to artificial reality. When it come closer to reality, it goes away from entertainment.

When we played the game we also watched the 97 NBA Finals. Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, Karl Malone, John Stockton, Shaquille O’Neal and Anfernee Hardaway had a significant and deep effect on the mind. They are remarkable players in the league. We used to watch them with the USA Dream Team and NBA All Star Game. We idolised these men, we look at the league and no one left from these sparkling years. Younger generation take place in important roles and we try to adapt ourselves to this change. Our legends are far away physically, yet they are very close to heart.

The game is very entertaining and we had good times with it. I remember it as legend. I am not interested in basketball games in computer anymore. The Dream Team was successful. Their moves, styles and appearances are different and these make a separation by the others. New players play nice game; show incredible effort and present reasonable performance. However, I am not looking at NBA on TV nowadays. I can say that time is very dangerous and tricky concept in the universe. Nobody can runaway from it and distinct impact can be seen on everything. Names left after years as legend but they do not exist anymore as person. Our feeling of joy stands as a nice memory but it went away by time. Well, it seems it is impossible to avoid from time. By the way, what makes legends legend?

Judges Forever

Everybody talks about them. Nobody has an idea who they are. Unknown people's fame is spreading around the city. Well it is not completely “notoriety”, it is just a rumour. Reality stands behind the rumour. Actually rumour is very familiar for people are from where they come from. Place was structured on rumours by outlanders.

They are a football team and called the Judges. There was no living creature that sees them while they are judging. They support the Judges but they have no idea what is going on there. Every player is part of the village and citizens share lots of things with these guys. However, as whole team, they are stranger.

I am proud of Judges many times before I met them. One day I was looking for the Giants'¹ Super Bowl² match. Then I realised I have a team and I do not have to look for transatlantic targets. Afterwards, I got a mail that invites me to the meeting of Judges Student Group. It was a sign for me. At the day meeting was held I felt little nervous. Being in a place full of stranger is tough for me. Plus, there was nonsense prejudice about the guys. The prejudice is that I try to break-down for years around the campus. After the meeting, interestingly I feel comfortable and happy. Suddenly a feeling that pokes me for wanting me to do something for the group and team. Between first and second meeting I went to see them on process. It was the last match of group qualifying. The opponent was other notorious team of Ankara, “the Red Deers”³. Windy and cloudy weekend presented us a league game in Beytepe. Two quarters, one touchdown⁴, one injury and wind did us part. I left the Judges behind on a Valentine's Day.

Football is always entertaining for me. Watching Argentina - Brazil, Boca - River and any Beşiktaş match are “priceless”. However, football love is clearly decreased year by year. Another football helped me to get over the “soccer” frustration. We all see legendary and unbelievable last quarter performance in Hollywood films. Genius offence tactics and great pass game hold team to touchdown in last minute meanwhile the gap is six. We also know these just happen in NFL⁵. However it does not mean beyond the NFL and films, it is a boring Sunday activity. I love this sport, Judges and playing it- as a computer game for sure.

Many years ago, venerable member of the team said: “one time Judges, always Judges”. You feel the passion of football, the Judges, pride of representing the school and fun of challenge. And yes he was right, one time Judges, always Judges.

¹ New York Giants – Football team in New York. It plays in National Football League.

² Super Bowl – The championship game in National Football League.

³ Hacettepe Red Deers – Hacettepe University Football team.

⁴ Touchdown – When a player passes the end line of opponent with ball, he scores a touchdown. The team scores it, gets six points and an extra point chance. Successful kick gives one more point. Team also tries to play a game called conversion. It gives two more points.

⁵ NFL – abbr. National Football League. Biggest professional football league in the world.

Gitar Hiro

It is a long story. Beyond the story it is also a passion, playing guitar. To be frank, I did not devote my life to learn how to play guitar. However I always want to succeed it. I begged my mother to buy an electric guitar for my birthday. She promised to buy it when I will be fourteen or fifteen. I was fourteen, and naturally fifteen but I had not any. Sometimes playing guitar loses the importance, I find time to focus on my aim of living-drawing. I eventually found myself in listening to Metallica. “Unknown power” pulls me to itself.

When I prepare to University, as every lucky Turkish youth, I took courses in a place called “dershane”. There was a guy who is my first friend there. He was a member of a band in their high school. He plays electric guitar and tells me about the songs that he played with the band. These were all Metallica song by the way. At once he brougth tick, old book. This book was written in full of Metallica song lyrcis. When class was dissmissed, he grizzles the melody, I tried to synchronise the lyrics.

After days and weeks, he brought his guitar and amplifier. He played some songs from different albums of Metallica. I looked at him with big admiration. He has the potential. He has star “electricity”.

By being university student, you tend to be realistic and rational person. At least I gave up some idea, sacrifice dreams for future. Now I call these as realism. As a part of the “operation realism”, guitar was put on dusty shelf again. Although it stood on a shelf, occasionally it tried to jump down. The reflection of it on me appeared like that; I conclude my CAT* essay with Nothing Else Matters’ chorus. Instructor marked highly but noted that he could not understand what does it advocates.

I met with a game called Frets on Fire by my video game addiction. It is a game based on an ability to follow the instructions on screen and complete the task successfully. Instructions are parts of the song and every successful move sounds correct note of the song. Despite the fact that it seems easy by reading, on implementation you possibly fail. This game was the last drop for guitar love and inevitably it dropped to my head.

Finally I had chance to buy an electric guitar. I was impatient to play a song from Metallica. I can play any song since it is the case. If you have guitar you can play everything. As you know, it did not happen like that. Weird sounds were heard, guitar felt regretful of being a guitar in the hands of a beginner. I liked the tones gradually; it resembles something you are familiar with. The most important thing is I noticed that I did not lose anything of my passion over the years.

Nothing else matters (chorus)

So close no matter how far

Could not be much more from the heart

Forever trusting who we are

And nothing else matters

CAT

Cumulative Achievement Test in Bilkent University School of English Language

Heartbreak

from the diary of Blood Money

“It is nearly winter yet weather does not tend to show its face as an ordinary autumn. When you look around nobody seems to feel cold. It looks like they feel cold, if someone shouts that temperature is below zero. This dry, sharp and freezing weather makes the leaves fall, where children then play. This is a typical season scene in Ankara, but a long time has passed, the city has changed. The only thing that remains in my memory is autumn in Ankara. I head out to the street. Buses roll by on the road as people wait for one to board in long desperate queues. The sun is almost down, partly seen between clouds. It does not make a difference whether it’s noon or evening: the weather is still cold. I cannot feel my nose, ears or fingers. That is not important. There is an ache in my chest that suppresses the bite of cold.

I finally got on the bus at nearly 9 p.m. I sat all the way in the back. There seemed little difference between being inside or outside the bus: both felt cold as ice cubes. I usually like to travel via buses; they are usually very comfortable. This helps me to forget my objective in going there. Personally I can travel long hours on these kind buses. Maybe it is a big delusion. Let me explain my understanding about trips. You know how when a trip takes a short time, you do not want to get out of the vehicle. Whatever it takes, it should be continued. However, it is not the case when the trip is longer. When you know your trip takes many hours, you can get bored and even fantasize about jumping out of the bus. Thus, it is the trip delusion. At that time, I hear a sound, a weak sound. Yes it is, the song called Violet Hill. Someone is listening to Coldplay, and I hear the notes, instruments and voice. In that moment I think it is a wonderful song. It perfectly suits the city in this season. When the rain starts, the drops pattering on the window, the song fades out. The road is nearly half traversed, but interestingly enough, I still get bored of this trip. There are some problems with this situation. I like to travel by bus, but I get bored. Secondly, I normally like cloudy, cold weather, but these clouds and rain make me utterly depressive. All of it is enough to make me wonder why do I even take this trip and where do I even want to go? Moreover, recognition makes me feel the pain more strongly. And I cannot breathe...

I understand that I have arrived at my destination when I open my eyes and look around me. What I remember last is the nuisance of pain. In the middle of October it snows. Flakes fly about in the air, and it seems they do not intend to land anywhere. The grass becomes white, and a yellowish sky covers the place. It is so silent you can easily hear your own breathing. Now I can see I walk unconsciously and am not aware of what I am doing. I stop in front of the statue behind the ornamental pool. I hold up my head to see who he is. I did not prevail. Actually, why did I come here?”

Sorrow in Pripyat

In 26th April 1986, there was a sudden explosion. It was just a fire. All fire fighting crews ran to the venue. They all knew was an explosion and spreading fire. Nobody thinks that it is a radioactive catastrophe. People, who knew it was a failure, have just died by the incident. The efforts took all night long. By the sunshine appears, peril of the incident was clearly seen. It was terrifying scene.

I want to tell you why these happened. After the Second World War, the USSR and the USA are the part of diplomatic challenge called “cold war”. In this period, which concluded with dissolve of the USSR, both sides worked on nuclear projects. The easiest and cheapest way to obtain main ingredient of nuclear weapon was nuclear reactors. The story begins with one of the reactors located in Pripyat, Chernobyl (Ukraine). The system is implemented in these facilities relies on human factor instead of computerised control units. This causes a big responsibility on the shoulders of officials.

Authorities make a decision about conducting a safety test in the reactor. They wonder the durability and reaction of the plant in extraordinary conditions. The condition that they want to face with is sudden energy loss. It makes a little trick for this plant. Water is used there for both cooling and transforming thermal energy to electrical energy. A possible lack of electricity both affects radioactive progress and cooling. For this critical point they start to test. They cut electricity mainstream and waited for the results. However auxiliary power unit is activated automatically. They continued to the test and increase the water and core cools down quickly and produced energy decreases. This sudden decrease alerts official in other part of the controlling unit. He decreases the number of control rods (adjust core temperature) to six. The minimum value for the rods is twenty-six. This causes uncontrolled and tragic increase in the temperature of the core and it triggers to increasing pressure for water. Cooling unit blasts and structure is heavily damaged. The explosion also affects ceiling of the building and it makes easier to spread fallout. In the middle of night’s darkness, people in Pripyat have no idea about what is going on.

Thousands of people have fight with catastrophe by having no idea about the radioactivity and they lost their lives in a short time. Citizens of Pripyat are forced to leave their houses. City is evacuated and liquidated in hours. No living sign left in the city. Children used to play in parks, parents were happy in the streets of the city. There were more things than leaked radioactives from the Chernobyl. Invisible enemy threatened the lives and ruined completely.

Neighbour countries, Western Europe, Asia, America and Turkey experienced the results of the incident. Many people died, many people struggle with different, cruel types of cancer. Unofficially the USSR dissolved, and the pain remains forever in human history. Empty streets and apartments are still in 26th of April 1986. Time is paused, life is abandoned and recovery waits for more seven hundred years. All pictures are greyish like hopes and clouds on Pripyat.